He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
