i jhust puked up my retainher.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
