Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
