Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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