While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
