Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
