I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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