I wannas sexs uuuuu
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
