cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
