Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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