you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
