so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
