At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
