i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
