Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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