yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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