I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
