Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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