dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
