Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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