Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
