yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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