while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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