I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
