You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
