WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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