Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
