Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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