The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
