You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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