if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
