Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
