I can text with my tongue
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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