What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
