pedialite and red bull = repair kit
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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