I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
