Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
