I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
