I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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