Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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