So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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