I cannot find my penis.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Randomize
