i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
