He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
