Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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