I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
