Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
