I wish I could teleport
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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