Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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