Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
