Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
