I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
