Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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